Hello, Goodbye
by BelievingIsSeeing23
Summary: With a horrific past and the death of her father, Bella does the only thing she can think of. She runs. Were will she go? And will she be able to face her past and maybe find a place where she belongs.
1. Numbness and Cruel Thinkings

Chapter 1. Numbness & Cruel Thinkings

People. They were everywhere. And they kept saying how sorry they were. Why would you say that to someone? Is it supposed to make them feel better that your sorry they lost someone. I couldn't stay their any longer. I had to get away. But I couldn't. So instead I just won't let anyone see me fall apart. To everyone I probably looked cold hearted. Not shedding a single tear, or speaking a word to anyone. It was like I was dead on the outside. But on the inside I was freaking out.

I leaned my head against the wall and closed my eyes in an attempt to block out the people. But even my subconscious wasn't safe. I kept seeing the images. They were just flashes but so vivid that I could feel the blood and smell the smoke. And the worst part was I couldn't escape them. They just kept flashing by. Why won't they go away? Why can't things just go back to normal? _Because_, a voice in my head kept reminding me, _you're not normal_.

I was jolted out of the images. Away from the criticizing voice by an arm wrapping around my waist and someone's warm breath on my ear. I jumped from the shock. And the mysterious person began to whisper soothing words.

"SHHH. It's okay." I knew that voice. In fact I knew that voice well. It belonged to the one person I always trusted. Who held me whether he had to or not. It was Jacob.

He continued speaking. "Bells, I know what you're going through and its okay to cry." That was just it. He was wrong. He thought he knew what I was going through. But it wasn't the same as what he went through. They, his father and him, had warning of his mom's death. She was sick for a long time. They were told by doctors, specialists and even his mom herself that she wouldn't hold on much longer. But I got no warning. I didn't get to say goodbye. I didn't get to prepare myself. One minute Charlie was there and the next he was gone.

Jake was wrong. I couldn't cry. You cant cry when you cant feel. And that's just what I felt. Nothing, the world was numb.

I looked up at Jake. He was taller with his 6'1'' beating my 5'2''. I looked down at his russet colored arm around my waist. Jake was always protecting me. He was my guardian angel. Always has been.

During my little mind rant Jake kept talking. "Bells, I've talked to Dad. He and I think it would be best if you came and stayed with us for a while. You don't need to go back to an empty house."

That's what he said but it sounded more like "Bells, I've talked to Dad. We both think your to unstable to stay by yourself in a motel somewhere and since the police won't let you back in your house we want you with us." I didn't tell him this. I didn't tell him that I could see the sympathy in his eyes and that I didn't want it, not any of it. I didn't tell him anything at all. I just nodded my head up and down.

That was all Jake needed. He began to steer me away from the crowd. Away from the people, to his car. Once again he was my angel.

In the car, an old Rabbit that Jake himself rebuilt during his freshman year, Jake placed one hand on the wheel and the other on my hand that resided on top of my leg. As he drove I stared down at our hands. Mine was pale and thin, while his was tan and muscular. We didn't fit. How much longer could we keep this up? Jake and I. I mean who were we fouling? We were from two separate worlds. It's not that I think I'm better than him. It's that I think he deserves better than me. Glancing up to the owner of the hand I was glad Jake couldn't read my mind. He just kept driving, blissfully unaware, out of Forks and onto the reservation. La Push. It was just another reminder of our differences.

The house looked the same as always. A little run down but homey. Like the happiest family lived there. And it did. Jake and his dad, Billy, were the best of the best. I remember days when I'd come with Charlie to hangout with Jake while he and Billy watched the game. This house was my second home. But as I looked at it now I had a different perspective. It was no longer my home. It was a house.

Jake came around the car and lead me up the stairs and threw the door. He explained that I would take his room and he'd bunk on the couch. If this were any other time I'd put up a fight. Why would I take his room? But I was too numb and tired to argue. Instead I just nodded along and allowed Jake to lead me upstairs.

In front of the door to his room he paused. Clumsily he began "Look Bella, I don't know the whole story, and that's okay, you can tell me when you're ready. But I just want you to know that I'm still here. I'm still me and I'll be here for you if you need anything." And then he looked me straight in the eyes and said something I don't think ill ever forget. "I love you Bells."

I froze up. Well more than I already was, if that's even possible. I couldn't say anything. I just wanted things to go back to normal. _Shut up with the normal already. You are never going to be normal. _There goes that stupid voice again. It taunted me with its statement_. _

Instead of responding like any _normal _girlfriend would do, I just leaned up and kissed his cheek. Jake seemed to understand. He let it go and opened the door for me.

**heY everYone, so this is my very first fanfiction and reviews would be much appreciated. if anY of You like this storY ill continue....**

**Love all, Essie**


	2. Leaving

Chapter 2

I didn't matter how tired I felt. I lay in bed, well Jake's bed, for hours after saying good night. I just lay there staring at the ceiling. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't stay here. It was too dangerous. Not for me, I wasn't worried about myself. It was Jake I was worried about. He couldn't protect himself, especially if he didn't know what was gunning for him. And it wasn't like I could tell him. That would only add one more death threat to his life.

I knew what my options were. Tell him or leave. But where would I go if I left. Jake was my only family. Renee and I had had a falling out a few years back and I couldn't bring myself to talk to her again. Billy had notified her of Charlie's death, leaving out the specifics of course, and told her it was probably best if she didn't come down. That was via my request of course. I just couldn't deal with my overbearing mother, especially now.

_Jesus Bella. Whining much? You know what needs to happen. Just make it happen and quick, before someone else gets hurt because of you._

There goes that voice again. I becoming quickly aware of the fact that the voice knew what it was talking about, even if I didn't. I only had one option. Leave.

Silently I pulled myself out from underneath the warm sheets. It took me a minute or two to locate my bag in the dark. I exchanged my pajamas for a pair of jeans and a long sleeve shirt. Packing everything up nice and tightly, I looked around for the final things I would need. My shoes and jacket were by the door. The jacket had my wallet in it. I didn't have much money on me but I had enough to last until I could reach a bank.

Lastly I found a piece of paper and a pen on Jake's desk. I quickly scratched out a note in my messy scrawl.

**Jake,**

**I know I can tell you anything but truthfully my reason for leaving is one thing I can't tell you. I can honestly say that I is not because of you. I do this to keep you safe. As long as I am around you can never be safe. I promise it will be better this way.**

**I will never forget you Jacob Black. You showed me happiness when I thought there was none. You gave me love when I thought it wasn't possible. You will find the one for you eventually. I just isn't me. I love you. Hopefully our paths will cross again when the time is right.**

**Goodbye, Bella**

I folded the note in half and wrote Jake's name on the front. I slipped my shoes and coat on and, with one quick glance, left the room with bag and note in hand.

I felt like a criminal as I crept down the stairs. I stopped just before I reached the door and turned to my left. Upon entering the living room I saw Jake sprawled out on the too small couch. I just stood there for a moment and stared. He was half on the couch, half off. His eyes were closed and a slight smile graced his face. The blanket was tangled up in his legs. I had seen him sleeping hundreds of times over the last year. But something was different about this time. This time I felt a tug in my heart, knowing this would probably be the last time I would ever see him. Without a sound I placed my note on the coffee table in front of the couch so he would find it when he woke up.

Then, without a second glance back, I left the Black house and entered the world.

**_Well there you have it. I know i had a second chapter up before, and for those of you who read it i'm sorry. but i really felt the need to re-do the chapter. I think it is much better now. But that is for you all to decide. Review! constructive criticism is very welcome. :) -Essie..._**


	3. Buck up! Its not that cold

**_I just realized that i forgot to put the disclaimer on the last chapter. but i think it goes without saying that i do not own twilight. i only own the plot. so from here on out, just know if i forget to put this damned disclaimer, i dont think i own twilight. im just very forgetful. _**

**_P.s This chapter is dedicated to KyraxAsuka, my faithful reader. Kyrax if youre reading this i hope its up to par. :) _**

Chapter 3

Buck up! It's not that cold.

Unsurprisingly it was cold out as I quietly crept out of La Push at that late hour. Or was it early? I really had no idea. Either way I knew I was freezing. Why did I decide to do this, again? Plus I felt like a weird creeper for walking down the streets in the middle of the night. What happens if someone drove by? Would they stop? Someone was sure to recognize me. Then I'd have to explain to them why I was walking down the street and they'd take me back to Jake's and he'd-

_Oh for gods sake will you shut up. Stop whining. You know why you're doing this. So buck up and put one foot in front of the other. It's not like you haven't walked from your house to La Push before. This is only backwards. So shut up and keep walking. _

Once again the voice inside my head was making more sense than I was. I was complaining. I knew I had done the right thing. But still, why did it have to so cold out?

_Because, you idiot, its Forks. Just be glad it isn't raining as wel_l.

Trust me, I am very glad for that fact.

Suddenly I was standing in front of my old house. My inner ranting must have lasted longer than I thought.

For a second I just stood there and stared. My truck, the one Charlie had bought for me, sat in the driveway-thank goodness I had thrown my keys in my bag.

But it wasn't the truck I was staring at. It was the house itself. Charlie had bought this house years ago and he had never changed it. Sure he fixed a few things here and there but it was always basically the same. I remember thinking I was going to hate living here when I first moved in but it soon became my home. Forks became my home.

But now as I stared at my home I felt alienated. It didn't look a thing like my home. Like the home I once shared with my father. Parts of the wall were burnt and there was yellow crime scene tape across the front door. The windows were dark (the only light came from a small front porch light) and no life was visible. This place was a place of death. It was no longer the safe home I loved so much. Now all it represented was demise-both mine and Charlie's.

I couldn't stand there any longer. I knew I had to go inside. If anything just to say goodbye. I placed my bag on the ground and dug through it for my keys. Finding the one to the house I slowly walked up to door. Careful not to disturb the yellow tape, I slipped the key into the lock and pushed. The door opened easily to reveal the entry hall. The carpeting was only slightly charred here. With caution I walked in. Glancing to my left I looked into the living room. I saw the chair where Charlie always sat. A can of beer in hand, a Mariner's game playing on the television. I saw the couch were I sat countless times to do homework. Where I had watched hundreds of movies with Jake. Where barely a year ago I had watched a movie with a different guy that turned out to be the bane of my existence. On the wall were old school pictures of me that I remember begging Charlie to take down hundreds of times. Laughing a little at the memory I turned to my right. The kitchen was the same. Everything was virtually untouched.

By passing the hallway I hurried up the stairs, miraculously I didn't trip once, and entered what was once my bedroom. Not bothering with memories I went to the closet and pulled out the two large duffel bags that were crammed in the back. These were the duffel bags I had come to Forks with and they would be the once I would leave with. How ironic!

I packed most of my clothing, only leaving the few things that didn't fit anymore or I knew I'd never wear again. I didn't know where I was going so I took both warm and cool clothing. Better to be prepared.

Charlie used to say that. He was always so prepared. Why, why couldn't you be prepared for what happened? I knew the answer but my inner voice answer anyways. _Because he didn't know what he was up against. _I sank to the floor in the middle of the room and just sat there. I didn't think. I didn't feel. If I was going to do this I couldn't let my emotions to rule my life. Better to nip them in the bud before it was too late and I did something reckless. It wasn't that I didn't love Charlie. I did. I may not have called him dad but I did love him. No matter what he was always my father and he was always the one that took care of me no matter what. I did, do!, love Charlie. I just can't feel my emotions just yet. I had too much to do, too much at stake. Maybe someday I would finally be able to cry but today was not that day.

After I had composed myself I got up off the ground. As I shifted my weight I heard the floor creak. That's funny. I don't recall my floor creaking before. I moved aside and felt the wood paneling. It was loose. That was strange. I pulled it a little harder and it soon gave away. I don't know why I did it and as soon as I saw what was underneath I wish I hadn't done it. But a part me was glad I did. Inside was everything he had hid from me. My pictures, my scrapbook, my CD. It was all there. I thought he had taken them but I guess he couldn't bear to keep the stuff. I pulled everything out one by one, refusing to remember everything. I had closed that whole long ago I wasn't about to allow it to open again. Especially when I was working so hard to keep my emotions under check.

No matter how I felt about him, about them, I count leave this stuff here. In a way it was nice to have these reminders. Without a second thought I shoved them into my bag and went back to packing. Once I had everything I would need I dragged the bags into the hallway, careful not to look at the charred carpets and burnt wood. I went into the bathroom and gathered whatever toiletries I had in there. Everything went into the duffel.

I took one last glance around upstairs. My eyes drifted to the part of the hallway I had been determined not to look at. It was the door at the end of the hallway, if you could even call it a door anymore. Parts of it were completely burnt, leaving holes, and other parts were chared. Only specks of white paint still stood out among the black. As if on their own accord my feet began to move towards the door. I couldn't think. I couldn't feel. All at once I stood in front of the door and, again on its own, my hand moved to the knob. I twisted it slowly and pushed open the door to reveal a room. I walked into the middle of the room. No, I didn't walk. It was as if I was drifting like a ghost. A ghost of myself. I entered the scene where I had all happened. Practically everything was burnt beyond recognition. The frame of the bed was still there but the table that once stood next to it was a pile of ash. But it was the closet that caught my attention. The doors that once stood in front of it had been wood so they were gone but something drew me towards it. There hanging on a single hanger among charred clothing and ashes was a single flannel shirt. I pulled it off the hanger and hugged it to my chest. It smelled like Charlie. Like pine and aftershave with a hint of fish. Not a good combination but it fit him. Still hugging the shirt something else caught my attention. There, in the corner of the closet, was a shiny silver safe. Kneeling down, I reached for the combination lock. I tried Charlie's birthday, my birthday, out phone number, even our house number. Nothing worked. Suddenly it hit me. I should have smacked myself for how stupid I was. Dialing in the numbers I pulled the safe open. It was my parents wedding date, a fact that only proved how much Charlie was not over Renee.

Inside, underneath the standard birth certificates and insurance papers, were pictures. On the top of the stack were my parents. Renee was wearing a floor length white dress, Charlie a suit. Underneath that there was a picture of a very pregnant smiling Renee. The next was a picture of Charlie with a baby me in his arms. The pictures went on and on. There must have been at least twenty of them there. Each one was a reminder of happier times. I pulled everything out, shut the safe, gathered the papers, pictures and shirt up, and left the room.

I put everything in my bags and brought the bags downstairs. Before I reached the door, one of the bags bumped into something. It was a coat rack. But something made me stop and stare at this coat rack. There was nothing special about it. It was just a run of the mill coat rack. But, right there hanging on it was my father's badge and gun. I reached out and ran my fingers over the cool metal of the badge that read Chief Swan. In this little piece of metal was everything my father stood for. In a way this little piece of smooth, engraved metal personified my father. I stood the badge off of the gun belt and slipped it into my pocket I picked up my bag and left the house. I went as silently as I came.

**There you have it. I hope you liked it. Review please. -Essie...**


	4. Goodbyes and Horizons

_**Disclaimer: i dont own anything yada yada yada... **_

Chapter 4

Goodbyes and Horizons

I put my duffels in the passage seat of my truck then went to get the bag I had left outside. Thankfully it was still sitting right where I had left it. I put that bag on top of the other two. I closed the passenger door and looked back at the house I once called home and whispered the only thing I could without completely breaking down.

"Goodbye."

Without another word I climbed into the driver's seat and started the truck. I used to love how noisy my truck was. It was one of the things that made it unique. But right now I wished it wasn't so loud. The noisy rumble of the engine seems to echo in the cold, quiet air. No, the truck was not the best get a way car.

I pulled out the driveway but instead of turning towards the highway I went right. I had one more stop to make before I left Forks. This would be the first time I had gone there since they left but it would also be the last time.

I wish I could have left town without even thinking of them. But I couldn't do that. They used to be so involved in my life. Even now, even after they left, they were still a part of the events occurring. They just didn't know it. Or maybe they did. Who knew if my future was seen? Either way I didn't care if they knew. I didn't want them to. I didn't need their help. I didn't want it. I wasn't fragile. I could stand on my own two feet. I could do it because its what Charlie had taught me to do and he would want me to be independent.

I turned off the main road onto a long driveway. The grass on either side of the pavement was completely overgrown. It was just another reminder of the lack of habitants. It only took a minute or two for me to reach the house. I pushed the memories back before they could find surface. I turned off my truck and got out.

I don't know how long I stood there. I just stared at the house. The large, Victorian style, white house that I used to spend all my time in. Looking back I might have thought this was home but really it was never more than his house. It was just a house.

I wasn't even home to them. They didn't have homes. They had houses. One couldn't move that many times and live in that many different places to have a home. One couldn't be that heartless and have a home.

No this was never anybodies home. It was a shelter from natural elements but nothing else. This large white house never kept anyone safe. It never kept anyone warm. The inhabitants never needed anyone. This house was an appearance. A façade of normalcy meant to make the inhabitants feel somewhat normal when, in fact, they were very, very abnormal.

I don't know how long I stood there, staring. All at once the sun broke the horizon. Night was over. A new day had come. It was time for me to see the horizon.

With one last look at the house I started my truck. Then I drove out of Forks with the sun behind me. And as cruel as this is to say, I never looked back.

**So i know this chapter was short but i posted two chapters at once so i hope you guys will forgive me. anywho, hoped you liked it. Reviews are welcome and much appreciated -Essie...**


	5. Lather, Rinse, Repeat

**Disclaimer: Its not mine. **

**Chapter 5**

**Lather, Rinse, Repeat**

"Is! Orders up!" I heard Ernie scream. I hurried away from the counter to the little window that split the kitchen and the dining area. I had been working at Ernie's diner for a little over a week now. I never really stayed in one place too long.

It had been six months since I last saw Forks. Six long months since I drove away from my home and never looked back.

As I drove out of Forks that day, I began formulating my plan. I knew Jake would come looking for me and if Jake could find me anyone else could for sure. How was I going to stay one step ahead of everyone? Then Charlie's words came back to me. We used to sit at the kitchen table and discuss his work. He had mentioned a few times when suspects went missing. He even went as far to explain to me how they got away.

The first step-ditch the car. If possible fake your own death. I couldn't fake my death. I agreed that it was good that Jake knew I was gone but I didn't want him to think I was dead. So I settled for just abandoning my car in Port Angles and getting a taxi to Seattle where I then bought a rundown Ford Civic from the cheapest place I could find. Cheap meant that it wasn't the most respectable place in town but at least it accepted cash and didn't ask too many questions.

My next step was to fly under the radar. Always use cash. Don't use your name on anything. No numbers. No paper trail. This presented a problem at first. How was I supposed to get a job if I didn't want to use my social? But that was soon remedied as I found out plenty of people were open to hiring 'under the table' workers. It just so happened most of them were in the food industry. In the last six months I've lived in 6 places, worked 9 different jobs ( 5 times a waitress, twice a cook, a maid and even a nanny), owned 3 different cars and used at least 12 variations of my name. Currently I was in New York; I had managed to finally make it cross country. I didn't own a car but who really needed one in this city. And I was using the name Is Black. Not very inventive but I figured Jake would like my choice.

Jake. I thought about him constantly. I often wondered what he thought when he woke up that fateful morning. Had he moved on? I hoped he had. I wonder if he had a girlfriend now. If his life was back to normal. If it was like I never existed.

I'll admit the thought of being completely forgotten hurt. I would never tell anyone but I couldn't help the feelings all the same.

"Is! Damn girl your order's up!" A very pissed Ernie pulled me from my internal thoughts. If I kept this up I wouldn't stay at Ernie's much longer so I quickly pushed all those thoughts to the back of my mind where they would hopefully stay, although I highly doubted that would happen. I rushed to deliver my orders, remembering exactly which plate went to who. I had been doing this for 6 months now. Six months of waiting tables and person got good at it.

In fact everyday was pretty much the same. I got up, went to work, went home, sleep and repeat. By now I went through my days in a daze, although sometimes I went completely out of it like I did earlier. But I tried not to let that happen too often. I was in one of those dazes now. After delivering the hot food to the intended customers, I moved to the next table, took to their order, gave said order to Ernie and repeated. Occasionally I would break this mindless routine to deliver food but all in all it was pretty consistent. My life had turned into a serious of repeats.

It was about midnight and I was on my last 'repeat' before the restaurant closed in an hour. I moved to the newest occupied table to take their order. My daze was even more prevalent now. I was walking slower and I couldn't even tell you what the person in the booth looked like.

In a detached tone I recited my mantra to the newest customer "Welcome to Ernie's. I'll be your server tonight. May I take your order?" Normally customers are quick to rattle off something from the menu but tonight was different. Tonight the customer said something. Something I hadn't heard in almost six months now.

"Hello Isabella."

**_There it is. Im sorry this chapter is short. School has drained the creative juices out of me. But I started break today so I hope to have more chapters up some time soon. Please review. It'll give me incentives to keep going :) I cant write unless i know someone is reading. lol :) love all, essie_**


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